Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
