oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize