so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
