i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
