I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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