My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
