They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
