they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
