Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
