I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
