OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
