I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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