I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
