Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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