i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
