If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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