I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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