Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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