This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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