there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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