12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
