She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
