Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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