I can text with my tongue
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
