On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
