Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
