He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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