Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
