my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
