Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
