I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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