I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I love you. Go after that dick
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
