you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
