come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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