now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
