i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
