Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
