I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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