literally had 100 drinks last night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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