my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
