She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
