apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
