nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
