the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize