well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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