I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
