I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize