i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
