You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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