I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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