just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
