where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
