If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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