Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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