OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
