I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
